If the idea of sharing your sexual fantasies makes you want to crawl out of your skin, welcome to the club. Talking about sex with a partner is a vulnerable act and voicing your sexual fantasies can leave you feeling exposed, especially if you think those fantasies are embarrassing or taboo.
You might worry that your thoughts and desires won’t line up exactly with your partner’s or that they might judge what you’re into. You might even fear what your fantasy says about you or your relationship.
Think about this…
Would you want to spend your entire relationship being unsatisfied because you never had the courage to be transparent about your intimate interests? Or would you rather speak your truth and openly tell your lover what you deeply desire?
What’s the worst that could happen, you break up and you move on to a more open-minded lover that better suits your needs?
Allow yourself to be transparent and honest with yourself and your lover. When you do, you gain trust. Trust is the most important thing in a relationship, alongside clear communication.
Schedule some quality time and ask your partner if they’re okay for you to open up, that there’s something you have been wanting to try for a while now, and that you would love to experience that fantasy with their complete consent and enthusiasm.
It’s really important to talk about your fantasies with your partner—and to give them space to feel they can talk about their fantasies with you too.
This will be a great opportunity for you to ask your partner if they have any fantasies or activities that may have stimulated their curiosity.
Remain open-minded, actively listen and respect the courage it takes to talk about a person’s deepest desires.
It can be awkward at first but as soon as that ice is broken, your comfort zone expands.
Be willing to negotiate boundaries because you may have to settle on minor aspects.
Acknowledging something diffuses the potential awkwardness instantly. How can someone shame you when you address the potential shame monster first? If you’re worried about being judged, say so.
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How do I bring my fantasy up?
Fantasies aren’t inherently gross or creepy. They’re a natural part of being a sexual person.
“The brain is the most erogenous zone in the body,” says Kimberly Atwood, licensed professional counsellor and certified sex therapist. “Sex generally begins with the mind and our attitude toward sex, which often means fantasies.”
The fantasies you’re having don’t mean that you’re bad or that something is wrong with you. In fact, they don’t necessarily have to mean anything about you at all!
From “I think about having threesomes with my wife’s best friend” to “I can’t stop thinking about being tied up during sex” there are no limits to the unspoken desires people have. Some of the most common fantasies I hear from people happen to revolve around group sex and BDSM.
“Think of fantasies as ways to express your unconscious needs or desires that you can’t control, just like dreams,” board-certified sex therapist Kristie Overstreet, Ph.D. says.
Figure out your goal for sharing your fantasy.
Thinking about certain sexual situations doesn’t mean you necessarily want them to happen.
You may daydream about having a threesome but you know that if you watched your partner being intimate with another person, you would freak out. Or you might get off on watching intense bondage porn‚ but the idea of being tied up in real life gets a big nope from you.
This is why it can be helpful to think about your goal in sharing your fantasy with your partner before bringing it up. Do you want your partner to know you on a more intimate level? Are you more interested in figuring out if they’d be down to watch porn about your fantasy as foreplay or center their dirty talk around it? Or do you actually want to play out the fantasy with them?
You don’t need to have this all planned out before you bring it up. In fact, telling your partner that you don’t know exactly what you want to do with a fantasy is helpful too.
Talking these questions through together can be enlightening and can build intimacy. But thinking about these questions beforehand can help you know yourself and your desires better, at the very least.
Obviously if you decide to enact any of your fantasies together, you and your partner will need to have additional conversations about how to go about that in a way you’re both into.
No pressure babe!
OK, so you’re ready to tell your partner you’ve been thinking about something that turns you on and you want to share it with them.
When you do, emphasize that even if you’re interested in trying out this fantasy, there is no pressure to act it out right now or ever if it’s not their thing. Otherwise your partner may feel as though they’re being asked to role-play on the spot.
Ask how they feel about what you shared, but also let them know they can sit with it for a little while.
It’s fine if they aren’t ready to react or if they have a different reaction down the line than the one they had when you told them.
Ultimately you may find out that your fantasy is one your partner has as well, in which case, jackpot. It can also be a great time to ask if there is a fantasy they’d like to share with you. Being vulnerable might encourage your partner to do the same.
Be prepared for positive or negative reactions.
Your partner can have any number of reactions to the ideas knocking around inside of your head. They might be neutral about your fantasy, down to try it, completely uninterested, or even disgusted by it. Which doesn’t automatically mean they think you’re disgusting.
You have a right to think about whatever you want during sex or masturbation, but your partner does not have any obligation to fulfil or be open to a fantasy they’re not comfortable with.
So, try to prepare yourself for any reaction that might come your way. And here’s some advice if they react really negatively to your fantasy, since that can be toughest to deal with: Try asking something like, “Why do you feel that way?”
To be real here, there are some times when the fantasy you’re sharing is a no big deal thing you would be psyched to try one day and other times when it might be a very big deal that you feel you need in order to be satisfied.
If you shared a fantasy that falls into the latter category and your partner’s absolutely not interested, that might call for a larger conversation about sexual compatibility and what you’re both looking for in your sex lives.
Have empathy and compassion for you and your partner.
Being a good sexual partner means trying to understand the needs, wants, and feelings of the people we’re intimate with. That calls for a lot of empathy flowing both ways.
Even if your partner truly is not picking up what you’re putting down, having a forthright, honest conversation can bring you closer and amplify your respect for each other.
If your partner is a loving person, they’ll be happy you felt comfortable enough to share your desires with them, no matter their willingness to make them come alive. No matter the outcome of your conversation, allowing yourself to be vulnerable by sharing shows a ton of strength, and that on its own should make you proud.
Conversation examples
E.g., “This may be weird to say, but I have a fantasy that you let me kiss your feet and suck your toes”
Or, “I came across this cool website called www.mojoupgrade.com.
A website that allows a couple can privately reveal what they’d be willing to do sexually. If we both take it, it will only show us the responses where we have a sexual desire in common. I was really curious so I took the quiz, and I was hoping you would too. Sounds like fun, right?”
Chances are, your lover will care about getting you off how you want, and will get excited about pleasing you.
A word of warning though, if your tastes are more extreme, whatever you do – do NOT “surprise” the person by just proceeding with your kink without your partner verbally consenting.
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Remember to thank your lover for listening to you and taking the time to understand what you need.
Whether they feel like taking part or not – there will be a weight lifted off your shoulders that will only better you and the relationship in the long run.
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